Was my mother's philosophical saying or warning and she was adamant because she would open her eyeballs, keep them fixated on me and not wink. And then she would repeat, "en este mundo no hay amigos". I use to think she was crazy because she would continue with more warnings, "you can't trust what those friends will do because you don't know their motives"; "they'll use you and blame you for their deeds"; "they only want to use you and when they don't need you they'll forget you"; "or they'll use you for money and never pay you back"; even family proved that. Then she would say, "they'll do things of police danger and make you take the fall because they'll forget about you once in jail" while emphasizing in closing, "there are no friends in this world".
To be honest I was confused because certain strangers had become our friends through being Godparents but they were an older couple who never had children and had been friends with her aunt and uncle. But in reality Gus and Kika became grandparents and the limitation to other friendships stopped there. My father did not really have friends he had more acquaintences but then my mother would say, "see your father, he doesn't bring just anybody over, and if they do come they wait outside, he doesn't trust people coming over". And I remembered my father was like that but he was friend with my godfather Gus and his brother in law Pocaluz. And if he did, none of his work friends ever entered our house and I do remember an older man waiting for him across the street. My father was just that protective of the household and mistrusting of the outside world.
I didn't know why because I was the opposite, gullible and trusting of the outside world and maybe I should have been. These were the 70's of the hillside strangler and boys being kidnapped and murdered along with the normal street risks of unexpected cholos and prowering Blacks but I had no fear of that unless they started following me. I didn't really comprehend the world. I felt that the world was not as dangerous as it was portrayed and that other kids I knew from the neighborhood were brother like but my mother did not abide by those rules. She didn't like Sammy because there was something not there or others because they lived too far or didn't know them. But she liked my friend Scott who was Black but generally distrusted the other Mexican kids because tyhe would lead me down the wrong path. They were all potential criminals, just look at the family, even their look would reveal they were to not be trusted especially if they had any Sinaloa background. But I kept insisting it was not true but then I started seeing her points. Sammy was a prick, even I didn't really like him, then he dropped out of school, was a wondering kid because his mother always worked, other Mexican kids she judged by appearance. If they had slick back hair, cholo shoes, and a white JC Penny t-shirt I was not to ever hang out with them. Then I could see what she meant, because as I aged into teenageship, apart from Sammy, another guy across the street from Sammy, Enrique fit that cholo profile of attire, hair and attitude apart from the talk and an older brother that had that tshirt look but the jeans and converse tennis shoes confused me because he wasn't. He was like half cholo, half 501 Levi's and cholos wore Khaki pants not jeans. But I didn't like him either because he would bully and I wasn't one who liked to fight. If there was ever a downfall that I had was that I actually showed fear because I hadn't been taught to fight by my father and fighting was not something I was good at naturally. Even once I didn't stand up for my younger brother or myself against Sammy or Enrique only to have been defended by Sammy's step dad and then a scolding I got from my father for not defending my brother. I was scared and I felt fear so I did what I had always done in figthing, I always moved away and joined this Assembly of God church and hung out with my Black friend Scott Mosely who was not like those other morons. Maybe my mom was right. Cant really trust Mexicans.
Then we moved to Riverside in 1982 and 1983 and by then, I had become a stranger to Sammy and Enrique and we still lived in the neighborhood but one block up. I trusted the new church group who were majorily white and my sole Black friend Scott. Scott wasn't violent nor a jerk like the two other guys. In honesty, my mother sent me away from other Mexicans because the cholo syndrome, the competitive syndrome and the chusma low class syndrome. My mother didn't have this ethnic love most would think. I wasn't raised with the ideal of seeking solidarity with Mexicans because if there was one group that was not united were Mexicans so the rule was to generally stay away, we generally hated each other. The few white and black friends had not been like the Enriques and Sammy's and to find diamonds like Nino Gus and Nina Kika was almost impossible. And attending that White church was a better environment and I could see it, those other guys were beginning to experiment with cigarettes and then I just dropped out from hanging out with them. But they were also doing semi criminal elements that I would hear from others, later on I found out they were into heavier drugs so I did good plus why would I want to hang out with misfits. But I had friends from elementary who I attended high school with and felt a connection to them and they did too especially my senior year at Hawthorne High School.
We hung out like our friendship mattered which originated from elementary schooling even if we lived 8 blocks apart, we were linked and we even traveled together to Coahuila as they introduced me to Mexico beyond Baja California. Another equal friend from high school but one were we played football all three years, whom I sat next two in one or two classes for a year, helped him get hired at the local supermarket where I worked at and visited him on weekends on my way home from visiting my girlfriend. The Sammy's and Enriques faded away while the Guillermos and Gilbert's came along and continued into my mid 20's. My friendship with Scott diminished because we had to move from 99th street to 106th then he moved even further to Gardena and for his occasional visits we stopped visiting each other. That friendship ended but he would visit me until one day in 1989 he joined the military, was in the first Iraq and Panama Invasion and didn't see him again for 20 years until he looked me up on myspace. So much was lost but with Guillermo and Gilbert we continued and though I'm partially responsible at times for moving away because I got a girlfriend I tried to always keep in touch, until one day they both just stopped talking to me. By the late 1990's we had had only one conversation and we have not seen each other again. And here I thought because we were high school friends, I assumed we would always be tight but I kept hearing those words from my mother, "there are no friends in this world'. And just like that they disappeared and even when there was a possibility of conversation through facebook there has not been any effort that even I gave up. My mother stated, "its because they won the lottery" which they did and in her eyes didn't want any association.
In adulthood, my friendships have been even less. People have come and gone just like women have so the ideal of a friendship has been much like that high school sweetheart, a false illusion. Fortunately, I have found four new friends of different ages and levels which I am grateful for but those guys from my adolescent years hurt me more because I thought our past history meant something. We knew each other from kids, from being teenagers, from classes, from football practice, from walking home, from checking out their sisters to aging as young men to end up as if we never even knew each other is quite puzzling and sad.
I feel as if Im orphaned now removed from that era and it bothers me because the high school I attended was not a feeder school from my elementary to junior high years plus the move to Riverside. I spent junior high, my 8th grade year in two schools where I didn't know anybody and only knew a few so high school was a foreign place in 9th grade and 10th grade.
Yet as I paralleled my mother's aging process, she's also gone through ups and downs of so called friends and has only revolved around two. They too have come and gone and even cousins she hung out with now won't talk to her and as she stated, "well if they don't want to visit, that means they don't want to be around or be around their lives".
I accept this is now my fate for my past in an odd way does not exist anymore, it died years back. Without denying it, I see my mother's philosophy because she would say at times "from thousands 1 can be your friend" and fortunately, I have that. Now female friends, lets just say I don't have any, maybe paying the mortgage matters more.
Peace!
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